The Emotion of Adoption

When and How:
Parents with an adopted child wonder whether, when, and how to tell their child that he or she is adopted. They also want to know if adopted children face special problems or challenges. Psychologists and psychiatrists recommend that the child be told about the adoption by the adoptive parents. Children should be told about their adoption in a way and at the level that they can understand. There are two different views on when a child should be told about the adoption. Many experts believe that children should be told at the youngest possible age. This approach gives a child an early opportunity to accept and integrate the concept of being “adopted.” Other experts believe that telling children too early ay confuse the younger child who can’t really understand the information. These experts advise waiting until the child is older. In either case, children should learn of their adoption from their adoptive parents. This helps give the message that adoption is a good thing and that the child can fully trust his/her parents. If a child first learns about the adoption intentionally or accidentally from someone else, the child may feel anger and mistrust towards the parents, and may view the adoption as bad or shameful because it was kept a secret.

Adopted Children Often Want to Talk About Their Adoption.  
Parents should encourage this process and not be threatened by their children’s natural interest. Several excellent children’s story books are available in bookstores and libraries which can help parents tell their children about being adopted. Children have a variety of responses to the knowledge that they are adopted. Their feelings and responses depend on their age, security, and level of maturity. Children may deny the adoption or create fantasies about it. Many times, adopted children hold onto beliefs that they were given away for being bad or may believe that they were kidnapped. If the parents talk openly about the adoption and present it in a positive way, these worries are less likely to develop.

All adolescents go through a stage of struggling with their identity; wondering how they fit in with their family, peers, and the rest of the world. This struggle may be even more intense for children adopted from other countries or cultures. In adolescence, the adopted child is likely to have an increased interest in his or her birth parents. This open curiosity is not unusual and does not mean that he or she is rejecting the adoptive parents. Some adolescents may wish to learn the identity of their birth parents. Adoptive parents can respond by letting the teen know that it’s okay to have these interests and questions. When asked, parents can help by giving any information that they have about the birth family with sensitivity and patient support. Adoptive parents often have questions about how to deal with the circumstances of adoption. These parents can receive support from mental health and health professionals. Some adopted children may develop emotional or behavioral problems. The problems may or may not result from insecurities or issues related to being adopted. If parents are concerned, professional assistance can help. Children who are preoccupied with their adoption should also be evaluated. A child psychologist can help the child and adoptive parents determine the most effective and healing course of action. Family therapy can be helpful, too.

- Dr. Diane M. Walker